Code Comment Museum

/* You are not expected to understand this. */

// FUCK OVERFLOW

// what the fuck?

// I'm really sorry about this.

// Magic. Do not touch.

/* The main sqlite3 database file magic number */
// I am the wizard!

/* TODO: remove this someday */

// This is a really ugly hack, but we need it for IE6

# There should be one-- and preferably only one --obvious way to do it.

/* If you are reading this, I'm sorry. */
/* The following code is a necessary evil. */

// TODO: There has to be a better way to do this

# Pray this doesn't break anything

// TODO(developer): WTF is this?

// Some miners might attempt to reorg out the softfork activation.
// We don't want that.

// I don't know why this works, but it does. DO NOT CHANGE.

/* At this point I've given up trying to understand this code */
/* It works, so I'm not touching it */

// THIS IS A HORRIBLE HACK

// Here there be dragons

# "It's not a bug, it's a feature" - Every Developer Ever

// TODO: This looks suspicious

/* A whole lot of this code is totally unmaintainable crap. 
 * Sorry about that.
 */

// FIXME: This entire function is a hack

// Notch pls fix

/* Dear future maintainer:
 * When I wrote this code, only God and I understood what it was doing.
 * Now, only God knows.
 */

/* Number of the beast */

/* Sleep is for the weak. We have work to do. */

;; This code has reached that level of complexity
;; where bugs hide like ninjas in the night.

// TODO: scale this properly before we hit production
// UPDATE: we're in production. Oops.

// 🐳 This function is sponsored by late-night coffee

// Sorry for the any. I ran out of patience.

// I am not proud of this

// Written by a mass of skeletons in a mass of trenchcoats

// I'm sorry, I was young and needed the money

/* The author has been promoted and is no longer available
 * to explain what the hell was going on here. */

// I wrote this 6 months ago. I have no idea what it does.

# This code was written under duress
# (duress = deadline)

// My cat walked on the keyboard. I kept the result.

/* This is my best code. Please don't judge me. */

// TODO: Fix this. It's been TODO for 5 years.

// FIXME: This is broken but nobody knows how to fix it

// TODO: Refactor this garbage fire
// Added: March 2015

// FIXME: I'll fix this later
// EDIT: "later" never came

# TODO: everything

// TODO: Figure out what this does and document it
// UPDATE: Still no idea

/* FIXME: This comment has outlived three rewrites */

// TODO: Add error handling
// NARRATOR: They did not add error handling.

// FIXME: This is O(n!) but it works for small n
// Note: n is never small

// TODO: Remove before shipping
// Shipped: 2019

// This code is older than some of my coworkers

/* WARNING: Ancient code ahead. May contain
 * traces of FORTRAN, COBOL, and regret. */

// This file predates Git itself

// Written in a world where IE5 was cutting edge

/* Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
 * This was written for Windows 95. */

// The following code has survived 7 managers and 12 "complete rewrites"

# This module was written before Python 2.0
# It shows.

// Compatibility layer for browsers that no longer exist

/* This was "temporary" in 1998.
 * It has grandchildren now. */

// Last modified by someone who no longer works here.
// Or anywhere. He retired.

// 2am: this is genius
// 9am: what have I done

/* Written at 3 AM after too much coffee.
 * Rewritten at 4 AM after too much whiskey.
 * Please rewrite when sober. */

// Beer-driven development was a mistake

# "I'll just fix this real quick before bed"
# It's now 6 AM

// Alcohol level: solution
// Code quality: problem

/* This function was written during a hackathon.
 * 72 hours no sleep. You've been warned. */

// Past me was definitely not sober when writing this

// The bourbon made me think this was a good idea

// I've been debugging this for 12 hours. Send help.

// Why does this fix it? I've stopped asking.

/* After 36 hours of debugging, I found the bug.
 * It was a semicolon. */

// At this point my eyes are bleeding and I just want it to work

# Day 4 of debugging. I've forgotten what sleep feels like.

// I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas

// The debugger has become my only friend

// If you're reading this, the coffee wore off

// Temporary fix. Added: 2009.

/* "Temporary" workaround
 * Last touched: before your parents met */

// This hack has been in production for 10 years
// It's not temporary anymore

// Quick fix until we do it properly
// git blame: 2014

/* There is nothing more permanent than a temporary solution */

// This was supposed to be removed before the demo
// The demo was 3 years ago

// Workaround for bug #1234
// Bug #1234: WONTFIX, closed 2011

// This is a hack. But it's MY hack.

// Just a quick hotfix (famous last words)

// Technical debt payment: past due

// To whoever has to maintain this: I am truly sorry.

/* Dear future developer,
 * I know what you're thinking.
 * Yes, it had to be this way.
 * I'm sorry.
 */

// If you're reading this, I've probably left the company

// Forgive me, Knuth, for I have sinned

/* I am truly sorry for what you are about to witness */

// I owe you a beer. Contact: john@company.com (probably bounces)

// Please don't hate me. I was under pressure.

# Note to self: past self was an idiot
# Note to future self: you'll think the same

// This code is held together by hopes, dreams, and duct tape

/* Consider this comment my formal apology */

const MAGIC_NUMBER = 0x5f3759df; // Evil floating point bit level hacking

// Why 42? Because it's the answer to everything, obviously.

/* 1337 is not just for looks. Actually yes it is. */

// 86400 = seconds in a day. Yes I could use a constant.

const FUDGE_FACTOR = 1.21; // jiggawatts

// This number was chosen by fair dice roll.
// Guaranteed to be random.

/* 0xDEADBEEF - The classic. */

// 255 is totally enough for anyone
// - every network protocol designer ever

// 640K ought to be enough for anybody

// Why 7? Because 7 ate 9. That's why.

// Copied from Stack Overflow. Thank you anonymous hero.

// Source: First result on Google

/* I don't know what this does, but removing it breaks everything.
 * Copied from production. */

// Stolen with pride from https://stackoverflow.com/...

// This regex was copied from the internet. Do not modify.
// I do not understand it. Neither will you.

# Copied from my own answer on Stack Overflow
# I'm basically helping myself

// Thank you, stranger from 2012 who answered this question

/* This code was generated by ChatGPT.
 * I pretend to understand it. */

// DO NOT MODIFY unless you want to spend your weekend debugging

/* IMPORTANT: Do not delete this comment.
 * The code below depends on it existing. Don't ask. */

// If you remove this line, the server catches fire.
// Literally. We've tested it.

// Last person who changed this got fired
// Correlation != causation, but still...

/* DO NOT REFACTOR
 * Yes, I know it's ugly.
 * Refactoring broke prod 3 times.
 * The code stays. */

// This class is load-bearing. Like a wall. Don't remove walls.

// Seriously, don't touch this.
// I mean it.
// Why are you still reading?
// Go away.

// This empty function is intentional. Trust me.

/* WARNING: Modifying this file will void your warranty.
 * What warranty? Exactly. */

// Touch this and I will find you.

// Always code as if the person who ends up maintaining your code
// is a violent psychopath who knows where you live.

/* Good code is its own best documentation.
 * This is not good code. */

// The road to production is paved with good intentions

// Weeks of coding can save you hours of planning

/* Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code.
 * So if you write the code as cleverly as possible,
 * you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.
 */

// This condition should never be true.
// It's always true.

// Quantum code: it works when you observe it

/* Schrodinger's bug: simultaneously fixed and not fixed
 * until you deploy */

// Heisenbug: disappears when you try to observe it

// The tests pass. I don't know why. Do not investigate.

// If this comment offends you, wait until you see the code

/* WTF is this shit doing here?
 * - Every developer reading old code */

// Holy sh*t it actually works

// F**k it, ship it

/* In the land of the blind,
 * the one-eyed man writes the documentation. */

// From the depths of spaghetti code, order shall emerge

/* Through the darkness of legacy code
 * A light of hope: the delete key */

// A function so clean, so pure, so perfect...
// JK it's full of hacks

/* Some say the best code is no code.
 * They clearly never had deadlines. */

// No, this isn't a joke. Yes, we need this.

// The following code is optimized for readability over performance.
// JK it's optimized for nothing.

// HACK ALERT: This is a terrible hack. Proceed with caution.

/* Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
 * UPDATE: I did not know what I was doing. */

// Avert your eyes, children

// This is fine. Everything is fine. 🔥

/* This shouldn't work, but it does.
 * Welcome to JavaScript. */

// Performance: O(my god)

// Approved by the "it compiles" school of code review

/* This is where dreams come to die */

// I'm in this codebase and I don't like it

// Bug #42069: Cannot reproduce
// Status: Works on my machine

/* Memory leak? What memory leak?
 * We call that "aggressive caching" */

// The S in IoT stands for Security

// Abandon all type safety, ye who enter here

/* This is what peak performance looks like.
 * You may not like it. */

// SELECT * FROM developers WHERE clue > 0
// Returns: 0 rows

// git commit -m "fixed it" (narrator: it was not fixed)

// Error handling? In this economy?

/* The real code was the friends we made along the way */